Sunday, October 21, 2012

Need in relationship

It can be so difficult to take the things we learn to heart. More often than not it's easier to consider a lesson learned and move forward. Regardless of whether that forward movement is actually taking us anywhere. I keep thinking that I am settled in my identity. That I know exactly who I am and where I find value. Then I come to find out that my 'solid' identity is incredibly fluid. And sometimes that fluid moves backward, not forward. So two years ago I felt fully established. I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted to do (mostly). I knew the kind of person I wanted to be. I knew where my worth was found.

Yet here I am once again searching for worth in others. Needing love from people who can not love me the way I so deeply desire. Drowning in my inability to understand why I can't just be accepted. Why I can't just fit. And I remember all the times in my life when I haven't fit, and when that hurt me so deeply. Then I start pitying myself, and wishing that life was easier. Since when do I wish life was easier? Seriously. If I wanted an easier life I would have stayed in Washington. I would have finished my MA in English. I would have found a job paying just above minimum wage working in a coffee shop and gotten married. Then I would have had kids, and it would have been great. Well, mostly.

I moved to Indiana. I quite a masters halfway through to start a whole new masters. I left family and friends, and I started all over. My life has been marked by stepping outside my comfort zone, and diving into the difficult. I have never sought out easy. That said, I think I am to some extent lying to myself. In relationships, I have sought easy. It was easy to be friends with people. Easy to be a part of the 'inner circle.' Easy to be included, not excluded. And in that, my relationships have probably not grown to where they could be.

I have been blessed with some incredible friendships I would not change for anything. I just know that here, in this time, I have to remember that my identity is not found in those relationships, or in the friendships I make here. My identity is not found in how many people I mentor, or how well I mentor them. My identity is found in who I am as a daughter of Christ. And it's taken me a really long time to come to terms with that. I am still coming to terms with that. I am definitely not comfortable with it. It's really hard to step away from the continual message that I need to have lots of friends and be included in everything. But I don't. And I am so thankful for this time to learn and explore that.

There is so much freedom in relationship for the sake of giving to someone else. I want my life to be marked not by a need in relationship, but giving.

nat

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A time of restoration...

Whew. It's been a little while since I've written. For you dedicated followers...I apologize. I have been incredibly busy, and also I forgot. Oops.

What's new in my life:

I researched, wrote, and submitted a report on the trend of the hook up culture in colleges. Fascinating. Probably the best paper I've written thus far in my Higher Ed (HE) adventures. It was exhausting, but I really loved writing it.

I went to the Missessinewa War of 1812 Reenactment. It was great. Particularly the food (can anyone say mouth watering beignets?). Also the time with my super awesome roommate Megan and her cool IWU friends.

I *almost* pulled my first all nighter. Four hours isn't too bad. It was great though.

I will be home in 51 days. So that's pretty exciting.

I learned how to bake bread! Really quick bread that only takes two hours to rise.

I think that's all that's new with me at this point. Although I have had lots of thoughts lately. Being away from home hasn't been this hard before. Granted, I've never lived this far from home and friends and family. I think one of the hardest aspects has been learning how I fit in socially. You know me. I LOVE PEOPLE. So much. I think I'm a pretty relational person (hence the MA in HE). But I have also had a pretty easy time integrating myself into community, at least in the past six years. Yet somehow I have had a much harder time integrating here in Indiana. Part of it might be that I don't know the Taylor community. Part of it might be that I don't know the midwest community. Or part of it might be that I had really high expectations for what community would look like. That said, it's been a challenge trying to plow forward without knowing where and how I fit.

All that said, I have been learning over again how important it is not to rely on my identity through relationship with others. It's so easy to fall into fear over how others perceive my identity, but there is no freedom through that. Freedom comes through loving Jesus and embracing the gifts he has blessed me with. I have been trying this week to remember the things I have been promised through the years. Peace. Love. Restoration. I heard an incredible woman speak last night. She spoke on restoration. She said that suffering comes before restoration. I would be the last person to say I am suffering right now. But I am struggling. I believe that restoration will come. The things I know about myself that I feel in this moment I have lost, will be restored. In the meantime, I will continue pressing on, pursuing joy and peace in everything I do. Loving others as unconditionally as my imperfect self possibly can.

Thanks for listening.

-n

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Getting my stride...

Whew. This has been a crazy week. I can't believe it's gone so quickly! I am really thankful tomorrow is Friday. That said, this week has been an incredible blessing in many ways. Between quality roommate time, to quality homework time, I feel like I've really started getting my stride for the first time in over a year.

Many of you know about my time at Western last year. It was by no means awful, but I never fully felt like I 'got my stride.' I wasn't happy, and I wasn't motivated. Too things that do not go well together. However, in any transition, even if it's for the better, it's definitely not easy or seamless. There is always a time of 'transition,' where you're getting your feet wet, figuring out what your role really is in this new place, and how to operate relationally and professionally.

This week has been my stride week. For the first time since week one, I feel like I've been on top of my work. Sure, I *may* not have completed all of my reading for this week, but I did write my papers early. I have a pretty clear idea of my thesis topic. I set up meetings with people to talk about my thesis topic. I organized my calendar. But more than being on top of things, I really feel good. I feel like I know where I'm going. I have purpose and direction and passion. I feel fulfilled and content. I am excited for tomorrow. And the next day. And next week. I am really excited for today. It's been a long time since I felt this way, and being at this stage has been such a blessing, especially as we dive into the semester academically.

Man, I'm just so excited! So thankful. So blessed. I feel like God has surrounded me with people who support me, and things to be invested in. There is so much opportunity in this place.

So, there's my little moment of joy and thankfulness for the week. I hoped and prayed this was the right place for me. And it is. Knowing that I am here working every day toward and in something I love is an incredible feeling. Thank you for those who have prayed with me in the past year, and who have continued to support and love on me. Ah, I just can't express this joy. It's wonderful.

nat