It can be so difficult to take the things we learn to heart. More often than not it's easier to consider a lesson learned and move forward. Regardless of whether that forward movement is actually taking us anywhere. I keep thinking that I am settled in my identity. That I know exactly who I am and where I find value. Then I come to find out that my 'solid' identity is incredibly fluid. And sometimes that fluid moves backward, not forward. So two years ago I felt fully established. I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted to do (mostly). I knew the kind of person I wanted to be. I knew where my worth was found.
Yet here I am once again searching for worth in others. Needing love from people who can not love me the way I so deeply desire. Drowning in my inability to understand why I can't just be accepted. Why I can't just fit. And I remember all the times in my life when I haven't fit, and when that hurt me so deeply. Then I start pitying myself, and wishing that life was easier. Since when do I wish life was easier? Seriously. If I wanted an easier life I would have stayed in Washington. I would have finished my MA in English. I would have found a job paying just above minimum wage working in a coffee shop and gotten married. Then I would have had kids, and it would have been great. Well, mostly.
I moved to Indiana. I quite a masters halfway through to start a whole new masters. I left family and friends, and I started all over. My life has been marked by stepping outside my comfort zone, and diving into the difficult. I have never sought out easy. That said, I think I am to some extent lying to myself. In relationships, I have sought easy. It was easy to be friends with people. Easy to be a part of the 'inner circle.' Easy to be included, not excluded. And in that, my relationships have probably not grown to where they could be.
I have been blessed with some incredible friendships I would not change for anything. I just know that here, in this time, I have to remember that my identity is not found in those relationships, or in the friendships I make here. My identity is not found in how many people I mentor, or how well I mentor them. My identity is found in who I am as a daughter of Christ. And it's taken me a really long time to come to terms with that. I am still coming to terms with that. I am definitely not comfortable with it. It's really hard to step away from the continual message that I need to have lots of friends and be included in everything. But I don't. And I am so thankful for this time to learn and explore that.
There is so much freedom in relationship for the sake of giving to someone else. I want my life to be marked not by a need in relationship, but giving.
nat
Your thoughtful working through of situations and problems is a wonderful thing, Natalie - both for yourself and for others whom you can inspire with your example. I think it's also important to remember that sometimes people are jerks or stupid though :) No, you don't need to be included in everything all the time to be a worthy person. But if some people around you aren't including you, it's possible they're not nice or worth your time - or they just haven't realized yet how great you are.
ReplyDeleteJust some thoughts from someone who misses you :)