Comfort Zones

This last week I had to write a "personal model of student development," explaining what I believed was a model of development for students in college. After agonizing for close on a month about what exactly I thought about development, I started thinking back on my own college experience and what 'forced' my development the most. One thing I have learned that I believe is true in so many cases is the value in stepping outside comfort zones.

I pride myself on being someone who looks for challenges. I do not like being comfortable (in some ways). I don't know if this is because I think I am a better person because life isn't easy, or if it's because I simply want a challenge in life. Regardless, I have learned that it's much better not to fight when God pushes you in a new direction.

For example, I am currently getting my Master's in Higher Education. In Upland. Indiana. A town smaller than the size of the university it hosts. A small part of me thinks this was the easier route, because I am far away from everything familiar, and don't have to battle for my family, or balance friends, or visit home. But then I really stop to think about where I am and what I'm doing. Not everyone would call making the step out here easy. I'm not by any means trying to toot my own horn here. What I find fascinating is what different people call easy. Sometimes I think that it would be harder for me to stay home. Because staying home would be a sacrifice. Staying home would mean putting my plans on hold. Staying home would mean I don't get to have a grand adventure. And that is really really hard. It's easier to be selfish, and serve myself.

My personal model of student development states that students grow best when they are faced with new knowledge, with something, anything, outside their comfort zone, and they integrate that into their lives. But I wonder if the reverse would be true. If a part of growth is learning how to be content inside a comfort zone. How to live life without a new challenge every day. Hmm. We'll see.

Long time coming...

I flew home this weekend. I would describe myself as a practically spontaneous person. If being spontaneous means randomly joining someone's plans, or going to a park because I can, or running out to get a polar pop just because, I'm in. But when it comes to flying most of the way across the country for a weekend, not usually my jam, unless it's planned 3 months in advance and I have at least one day already off.

That said, to buy a ticket less than a week before take off, and fly home right before all hell breaks loose with grad school, isn't something I would normally do. I am so glad I did. I miss home, and my family, and my man, and Washington, and good coffee, and the west coast. It was so refreshing to be able to just rest in the familiar for a few days. Be around people I love and not worry about when my next assignment is due or how I am engaging with my community.

Now, I am back. I pretty much hit the ground running and went non stop this last week. Even now I should be writing the outline of chapter 1 of my thesis, and creating a student development theory matrix, and reading a lot. Instead, I felt like writing a bit. Not exactly procrastination, because I am truly motivated to do this work. Just introspection.

I love so much what I am doing here. Everything I learn is interesting and feels so relevant to what I want to be doing. Yet for the first time in my life I find myself anticipating the end of school. I'm not burnt out, I really feel like I can do this for a long while yet. I am just realizing that, in less than two years, I will be done with school and working in a field I love, living life and serving people. It's so close and so possible. And I love the idea of that.

Rambling a little here, but I have some exciting news! I will be working in Everette, WA over the month of January. As part of my program, I have to spend 60 hours working at a second internship. We don't have classes over January, so I figured I may as well just try and stay in the area (home) a little longer. I will be working at a very small college on their Resident Assistant and Residence Life Manuals. It's a really great opportunity for some Res Life experience, plus I get to be near friends and family for an extra month! Also, for you Bellingham peeps, I will definitely be up in the area at least once if not twice between Christmas and January.

Alright, I will talk more about my thesis and some of the projects I'm working on later this week. For now, back to the grindstone!

nat

Need in relationship

It can be so difficult to take the things we learn to heart. More often than not it's easier to consider a lesson learned and move forward. Regardless of whether that forward movement is actually taking us anywhere. I keep thinking that I am settled in my identity. That I know exactly who I am and where I find value. Then I come to find out that my 'solid' identity is incredibly fluid. And sometimes that fluid moves backward, not forward. So two years ago I felt fully established. I knew who I was. I knew what I wanted to do (mostly). I knew the kind of person I wanted to be. I knew where my worth was found.

Yet here I am once again searching for worth in others. Needing love from people who can not love me the way I so deeply desire. Drowning in my inability to understand why I can't just be accepted. Why I can't just fit. And I remember all the times in my life when I haven't fit, and when that hurt me so deeply. Then I start pitying myself, and wishing that life was easier. Since when do I wish life was easier? Seriously. If I wanted an easier life I would have stayed in Washington. I would have finished my MA in English. I would have found a job paying just above minimum wage working in a coffee shop and gotten married. Then I would have had kids, and it would have been great. Well, mostly.

I moved to Indiana. I quite a masters halfway through to start a whole new masters. I left family and friends, and I started all over. My life has been marked by stepping outside my comfort zone, and diving into the difficult. I have never sought out easy. That said, I think I am to some extent lying to myself. In relationships, I have sought easy. It was easy to be friends with people. Easy to be a part of the 'inner circle.' Easy to be included, not excluded. And in that, my relationships have probably not grown to where they could be.

I have been blessed with some incredible friendships I would not change for anything. I just know that here, in this time, I have to remember that my identity is not found in those relationships, or in the friendships I make here. My identity is not found in how many people I mentor, or how well I mentor them. My identity is found in who I am as a daughter of Christ. And it's taken me a really long time to come to terms with that. I am still coming to terms with that. I am definitely not comfortable with it. It's really hard to step away from the continual message that I need to have lots of friends and be included in everything. But I don't. And I am so thankful for this time to learn and explore that.

There is so much freedom in relationship for the sake of giving to someone else. I want my life to be marked not by a need in relationship, but giving.

nat

A time of restoration...

Whew. It's been a little while since I've written. For you dedicated followers...I apologize. I have been incredibly busy, and also I forgot. Oops.

What's new in my life:

I researched, wrote, and submitted a report on the trend of the hook up culture in colleges. Fascinating. Probably the best paper I've written thus far in my Higher Ed (HE) adventures. It was exhausting, but I really loved writing it.

I went to the Missessinewa War of 1812 Reenactment. It was great. Particularly the food (can anyone say mouth watering beignets?). Also the time with my super awesome roommate Megan and her cool IWU friends.

I *almost* pulled my first all nighter. Four hours isn't too bad. It was great though.

I will be home in 51 days. So that's pretty exciting.

I learned how to bake bread! Really quick bread that only takes two hours to rise.

I think that's all that's new with me at this point. Although I have had lots of thoughts lately. Being away from home hasn't been this hard before. Granted, I've never lived this far from home and friends and family. I think one of the hardest aspects has been learning how I fit in socially. You know me. I LOVE PEOPLE. So much. I think I'm a pretty relational person (hence the MA in HE). But I have also had a pretty easy time integrating myself into community, at least in the past six years. Yet somehow I have had a much harder time integrating here in Indiana. Part of it might be that I don't know the Taylor community. Part of it might be that I don't know the midwest community. Or part of it might be that I had really high expectations for what community would look like. That said, it's been a challenge trying to plow forward without knowing where and how I fit.

All that said, I have been learning over again how important it is not to rely on my identity through relationship with others. It's so easy to fall into fear over how others perceive my identity, but there is no freedom through that. Freedom comes through loving Jesus and embracing the gifts he has blessed me with. I have been trying this week to remember the things I have been promised through the years. Peace. Love. Restoration. I heard an incredible woman speak last night. She spoke on restoration. She said that suffering comes before restoration. I would be the last person to say I am suffering right now. But I am struggling. I believe that restoration will come. The things I know about myself that I feel in this moment I have lost, will be restored. In the meantime, I will continue pressing on, pursuing joy and peace in everything I do. Loving others as unconditionally as my imperfect self possibly can.

Thanks for listening.

-n

Getting my stride...

Whew. This has been a crazy week. I can't believe it's gone so quickly! I am really thankful tomorrow is Friday. That said, this week has been an incredible blessing in many ways. Between quality roommate time, to quality homework time, I feel like I've really started getting my stride for the first time in over a year.

Many of you know about my time at Western last year. It was by no means awful, but I never fully felt like I 'got my stride.' I wasn't happy, and I wasn't motivated. Too things that do not go well together. However, in any transition, even if it's for the better, it's definitely not easy or seamless. There is always a time of 'transition,' where you're getting your feet wet, figuring out what your role really is in this new place, and how to operate relationally and professionally.

This week has been my stride week. For the first time since week one, I feel like I've been on top of my work. Sure, I *may* not have completed all of my reading for this week, but I did write my papers early. I have a pretty clear idea of my thesis topic. I set up meetings with people to talk about my thesis topic. I organized my calendar. But more than being on top of things, I really feel good. I feel like I know where I'm going. I have purpose and direction and passion. I feel fulfilled and content. I am excited for tomorrow. And the next day. And next week. I am really excited for today. It's been a long time since I felt this way, and being at this stage has been such a blessing, especially as we dive into the semester academically.

Man, I'm just so excited! So thankful. So blessed. I feel like God has surrounded me with people who support me, and things to be invested in. There is so much opportunity in this place.

So, there's my little moment of joy and thankfulness for the week. I hoped and prayed this was the right place for me. And it is. Knowing that I am here working every day toward and in something I love is an incredible feeling. Thank you for those who have prayed with me in the past year, and who have continued to support and love on me. Ah, I just can't express this joy. It's wonderful.

nat

proposals and research and coffee, oh my.

This morning has consisted of me dragging myself out of bed, using approximately 25 tissues, attempting to dress myself presentably, and marching off to work on a proposal, without coffee.

All that said, it really hasn't been a bad morning. There's something really exciting about coming to work and having the opportunity to work on a proposal for a national conference that you will *hopefully* get a chance to present at. I feel so honored in my position here. We are in such a time of transition with First Year Experience here at Taylor, and I get to be on the *almost* front end of it, at least I get to see it implemented, and learn how to assess  that implementation. Whew. Talk about professional development right off the bat!

Along those lines, I am incredibly excited about the research I get to be doing in the next few months. First, there's my thesis. I'm meeting with my professor Monday to see if this works, but I'm thinking about researching the impact of campus programming on student engagement, especially in light of the 'over-programming' that seems to happen on many college campuses. We'll see.

Second, I get to research Leonard Oakland. Yep, that's right. We have to do archival research on a significant historical figure, and it doesn't have to be at Taylor. So, LAO it is. :)

Third, I get to choose a current trend in student development, and research that trend (if any of you have thoughts, I would REALLY appreciate it!). Basically, I can choose anything that is a 'trend' amongst students that can be connected to student development in some way. I'm really excited about this...I just need to figure out what I'm doing!

That's not all the research I'll be doing this semester, but I don't want to bore you all with everything I've got going...suffice it to say, I am incredibly excited about the push this program is giving me professionally and academically.

In a completely different direction, I found a new coffee shop! It's about fifteen minutes away in Hartford City, and it's called Common Grounds. It's this cute little place, right across the street from this incredible medieval looking courthouse, and it has all sorts of antiques on the walls, and different patterned table cloths, and decent coffee. It's not spectacular, but it feels a little more like home.

So, while I'm sitting here immensely enjoying the Indiana fall, know that I miss you all too. A lot. I'm buying my ticket home for Christmas today. So excited to finally have that definitely set.

Love,
nat

a morning at starbucks

Yes, I am in fact spending my time studying at Starbucks. In my defence, there are two options in Upland, and neither of them are even in Upland: Payne's, and Starbucks. Payne's is too much a restaurant for my taste, so Starbucks it is.

This year has thus far been one of serious ups and downs, but also so many blessings. First, can I just say, I am already passionately in love with Higher Education? I knew when I came here that I was in some ways gambling, trusting that this was where God wanted me. I had no idea I would so quickly fall so deeply in love with this subject and this pursuit. This morning I am reading from one of my two history books, all about the development of Women's colleges, and Black colleges. It is so fascinating reading about the factors that influenced colleges two hundred years ago, and to think about how that affects colleges today. I love it. So much.

My assistantship has been another blessing in many ways. It has definitely been a challenge, as much of what I have done so far is more administrative. Don't get me wrong, I love organizing things, and putting programs together, but I also love people, and one of the main reasons I'm here doing this is for the chance to love people. I have had a hard time figuring exactly where I can jump in relationally, and where it's not really my place. But this week, as I have started attending different leadership meetings, I realized that I can jump in wherever and whenever I am called. So, this week is week one of Natalie the relational administrator!

In other news, it's officially fall in Indiana. Or at least, I think it is. The weather 'shifted' yesterday, and now we have clear, windy days with brisk air and it's so much like fall in Washington (we have also had some rain, which is a blessing). Fall is definitely my favorite time of year for so many reasons, and as crazy as it sounds, the weather lifts my spirits and brings me so much joy. It eases my homesickness and makes me more motivated to be here doing what I am doing.

I am getting ready to start working on my thesis. While I am incredibly excited to start, I am having trouble pinning down a topic I really want to research. For those of you in Higher Education, or who are working at/attending Universities, if you think of anything that you find compelling, or think I might find compelling, don't hesitate to send it my way (i.e. is there anything I'm passionate about that I can't remember right now?).

You guys are such a blessing, knowing that you are supporting me and loving me and reading this from afar and sending good thoughts and prayers my way.

Love,

nat

Old friends and new...

Goodness, this has been quite the week of blessings and love.

As you may know, Monday was my birthday. I LOVE birthdays. A lot. I love other people's birthdays. I love my own birthday. It's great. I also LOVE surprises. A lot. However, when you're living halfway across the country from most people you know really well, a surprise birthday is not going to happen. Right? WRONG.

My two beautiful roommates (see below) set out to give me a beautiful birthday celebration. Now let me tell you this story. We were planning on having a 'roommate meeting.' We wanted to go over living together, just to make sure we were all on the same page. We tried for Friday night, but that was no good. Saturday I was gone (more on that later). So Sunday night it was! Then, Megan comes along and reminds me, telling me that Sarah really wanted to get out, that it would be a good way to start/end the week if we went to Payne's (local restaurant/coffee/ice cream shop - I mean custard).

Of course, since we all live together, it made sense to me that we would go together. Then, 40 minutes before 8 (our meeting time), Sarah comes upstairs and tells me she has to run by the James' house, so she'll just meet us there. Ok. That's fine. I figure that gives me a little more time to get my College Student Development reading done. Originally hoping to power through BOTH chapters, I know I'm only going to finish one. But that's ten pages in 40 minutes. No problem.

Until your crazy roommate starts 'doing homework' on the couch nearby, and can't stop singing and making noises and talking to you, and responding to your exclamations and distracting you to no end. Now, I LOVE Megan. Dearly. Yet, we are similar in that sometimes we just get these bursts of energy that HAVE to come out in bugging someone else (Aubrey knows this is true...as does Maddison). So, Megan distracts me, and I barely finish on time.

Upon completing my homework, I run around putting real pants on (I was wearing my study sweats). Meanwhile, Megan is dinking around, looking for a book to take to a friend after the meeting, losing her keys, and generally taking forever. When we finally leave, it's in separate cars, due to her book.

I arrive at Payne's to see two MAHE people walking inside. Thinking nothing of it (of course MAHE people are out studying on a Sunday night). I walk inside. Then, I realize there are a BUNCH of people from my program, and they have birthday hats on, and they're giving me this look. What goes through me head? "Oh no, I'm walking in on a party I wasn't invited to! How awkward for them. I hope they don't feel bad." Yep. That's what I thought. I almost walked right back outside till I saw Sarah, and thought "It's ok, my roommate is here so they'll see I wasn't trying to crash their party" when suddenly they yell "Happy birthday!" and I see the signs saying Happy Birthday Natalie. Suffice it to say, it's hard to surprise me, and these ladies did a fabulous job.

I feel so blessed to be in this place, with all these people who barely know me, yet come out for an epic birthday celebration.

In other news, I also got a chance to see some old friends this weekend. I drove to Lafayette (got lost on the way. Here's a note: When driving in Indiana, follow your gut. Don't trust the detour signs to exist when you need them). It was so great to see TAMMY AND CHRIS in Lafayette. It was also great to be in a legitimate city. :)

I feel like this is an incredibly long post, so I'll leave it at that. More to come very soon (probably tomorrow, when I'm not procrastinating insanity...). Speaking of which: FOUR MORE DAYS OF INSANITY. WOOT WOOT! Ha. I feel super accomplished.

Thanks for your love and support.

natalie

My roommates and I, at surprise celebration:



Pictures of the Tammy and Chris adventure to come...

learning curve

A few things I have learned in my short time in the midwest:

1. Veggie Straws are a thing. 

Legitimately. They're the healthy chip out here. And they are exactly what they're called. Veggies. In the shape of a straw. In the way that you can blow air through them, and drink through them (haven't actually tried this). The most common variety is the potato, tomato, spinach variety. And, surprisingly, they are GOOD. They also come in GIANT bags. Like, industrial size and then some. So that's great.

2. Starbucks has cornered the market of the midwest.

Not only are they everywhere (a relative term, one or two per town...nothing like home). BUT THERE IS NO ESCAPE. You want coffee? Go to Starbucks. You want to study at a coffee shop? Go to Starbucks. You want some sort of good coffee? Go to Starbucks. There are no alternatives.

3. Spiders.

Bobby the spider has been growing a web right outside our door for...ever. We continually try to break down his defenses and take his life, but we also continually fail. It has gotten to the point where we *almost* feel affection for our little buddy. Almost.

4. Polar Pops are IT.

What is a polar pop you might ask? It's a GIANT soda for a convenient 85 cents at the local Circle K. This is such a big deal, that when the Circle K/Handy Andy's in Upland threatened to close, hundreds, HUNDREDS of Taylor students and Upland people showed up for an epic polar pop run, attempting to show support for local business, but also selfishly desiring to maintain the ability to walk two blocks to get a polar pop, instead of driving four more blocks to get a similarly priced but so not the same soda. Yes, I subscribe to the polar pop fanaticism. Yes, they have Dr. Pepper. Look here for more info on this epic adventure.

5. It DOES rain in Indiana!

They told me there was a drought. I wouldn't believe them except the corn is so short. It's rained here at least once, if not three times a week since I arrived. Either I am that awesome, or Jesus knew I needed the rain. Badly. It has been soo good to absorb the downpours here, and bask in the rain. And thunder. I love it.

I think that's all for now. Although I'm sure there's more I'm missing. At some point I will likely devote an entire post to grocery stores. And not how awesome they are.

Love.

natalie

Due to the urging of several friends (Heidi, LeAnne, etc), I have decided to create this blog. I remember when I was younger and I got into 'blogging.' Oh man, it was awful. All these posts filled with my 'deep' spiritual and life thoughts. I am hoping that this blog will be a place where I can reflect, and share what I am doing in this crazy small town in Indiana. I appreciate feedback, responses, thoughts, being made fun of, etc. I will attempt to keep this from being a place to chronicle my daily activities (although you know you want to know exactly what I do every day). 

So, here's hoping this can be a great way for all you west coasters to keep in touch and see what's going on in my life. Love you!

natalie